NEW YORK— Increases in the consumption of several categories of non-durable goods during the last quarter have sparked hope amongst economists that the sluggish US economy may be on the rebound. Plastic dog feces, Offensive Greeting Cards, and penis-related merchandise top the list of ‘useless crap’ commodities trending upwards in the last three months.
“One of the best measures of consumer confidence is how much money is spent on useless bullshit that no one on earth could possibly need,” said Peter Dreher of the Conference Board.
“Toilet mugs, Big momma undies, stuffed animals with giant genitals, obscenely dancing Santa Clause figurines—these things make up what we call the ’Spencer’s Index ‘ The Spencer index has tracked every major economic recovery since the invention of the joy buzzer in 1928.”
“American’s have always led the world in consumption of useless crap,” Dreher continued, “and in the 21st century we are leaders in the production of useless digital crap. If we combine the figures for material useless crap, with digital bullshit, such as the iphone ifart application, Windows Vista, and Facebook Tchotchke games, our economic future looks even better.
“I have no doubt the economy is on the road to recovery. And that that road goes up a gigantic stinking mountain of moronic, useless garbage.”
