HOLLYWOOD—A celebrity you’ve never heard today did something that nobody on earth should give a flying fuck about. The celebrity may or may not have been intoxicated, having sex, operating a motor vehicle, or all of the above simultaneously. They may or may not have been wearing underwear, punching paparazzi, falling off motorcycles, setting themselves on fire, or sexually assaulting their own children.
Family members of the celebrity may or may not have been available for comment, and other celebrities you have never heard of who somehow seem even less significant than the celebrity in question may sound off about the absurdly unimportant acts that the original celebrity is alleged to have committed.
Friends and family of the celebrity may or may not defend or excuse the celebrities behavior by pointing out that the celebrity has been under a lot of stress, has a history of substance abuse, was molested as a chid, or didn’t really mean whatever it is the celebrity is reported to have said or done.
Video of the unimportant, stupid, boorish, mocking, racist or insulting behavior may or may not have been posted to YouTube, tweeted, slash-dotted, farked, facebooked, myspaced, friendstered, emailed or infomercialed. District attorneys may or may not have appeared at press conferences to discuss this mindless waste of time with dozens of so-called journalists.
Scrolling newsfeeds summarizing this pathetic escapade into a pithy play-on-words may or may not be scrolling on every news program on the planet.
Self-serving apologies by public relations experts employed by the forgettable celebrity may or may not have been met with stinging rebukes by the faceless non-entities injured, insulted, annoyed or maimed during the totally un-newsworth peccadillo in question.
Specialists in whatever it is the celebrity was involved with indicate that the farcical non-event may or rmay not be important in a broader social context, and suggest that there may be more to uncover in the future about this complete and total waste of everyone’s time.
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Thanks for this article which I may or may not have read and perhaps or perhaps not appreciated.
arb: