BOULDER, CO—Jeremy Epstein a prominent Boulder area small business person, recently fled the scene of a minor accident and avoided talking to the police for over twenty four hours, causing not a single moment of concern or interest in anyone on the face of the planet earth. Disinterested eye-witnessess recall a woman, not Epstein’s wife, in the passenger seat of the car as he drove slowly from the crime scene, in which a city mailbox was dented.
When asked about the incident, local law-enforcement officials remained completely silent, and when pressed for an explanation of the lack of police interest, the following statement was issued:
“This Epstein Guy is like, nobody special. We are billing him for the mailbox. He has no history of drunk or reckless driving. In fact, he has no history of any sort at all. He is a completely faceless non-entitiy. We’re not sure who was in the car with him at the time of the accident, nor do we, or should anyone else, care.”
Epstein’s infraction, similar to perhaps a half-billion like it in the last ten years, is part of a disturbing trend, in which minor dust-ups and embarrassments comitted by ordinary citizens are passed over by major news outlets in favor of the pecadillos of the rich and famous, as well as in some cases actual news stories.
Sociologist Margaret Archer, Ph.D, in her recent book, “Insufficiently Persecuted,” laid out her case for a more thorough public airing of grievances for both the famous, and the not-so famous.
“We may not all be as talented as a Tiger Woods, as powerful as Dick Cheney, or as beloved as former president Clinton, but we can all have car accidents, accidentally shoot our friends, or ejaculate on interns. In a just society each and every asinine incident would receive equal media exposure.”
Ms. Archer calls for the creation of a National Public Humiliation Database, which all Americans would be required to check on a daily basis. “I can’t think of a better use for tax stimulus dollars. Every American is entitled to be harassed, hounded, and exposed before his or her peers.”
When asked to comment on the situation, a disinterested Epstein shrugged and puffed out his cheeks.
“Leave me alone,” he said. “Nobody cares.”
