CUPERTINO, CA—Most industry analyst concur that the introduction of the much-anticiapted Apple table this Wednesday will in all likelihood trigger the rapture and the return of Jesus Christ to Earth.
“A 10 inch color touch-screen mobile device was foretold in the book of revelations,” said Fiona Barkbiter, a biblical scholar at the Inbred Institute for Bible Immersion. “It signals the beginning of the tribulation, a time period in which media convergence, broadband penetration and demonic influences transform the computing experience”
The ‘coolness factor’ combined with the hovering, glowing form of Jesus calling the faithful into the sky with their shining i-tablets under their arms, will create a spike in sales unheard of since the introduction of the original color imac in the 90s, said one Apple insider on condition of publicity.
The tablet will ship with a padded, apple branded genuflection pad, which will allow the elderly or infirm to prostate themselves before it, free voice-to-sms-prayer software, and a ‘Beast-Locator’ application. An Audible / Amazon Bundle including both text and narrated versions of the ‘Left Behind’ series of books and diatribes will also be included with the device.
Most importantly, however the tablet will permit opening and editing MS office documents, and it will have full flash support.
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