WASHINGTON, DC.—In response to recent polling showing that a growing segment of America now believes that President Barrak Obama is both the antichrist, and an android, the President made the following statement at today’s White House press conference.

“I’m unconcerned. Our country is facing serious challenges right now, and I don’t want us to lose focus on what’s important, and get drawn into this kind of politics as usual moment.

“My religious faith is a deeply personal thing,” the President went on. “I worship secretly, in caves with a small group of black clad followers and close confidants. As far as anyone can tell, we’re worshiping Jesus. That is certainly what I’m telling you now.”

“I’m not saying that the concept of a  Robot Antichrist isn’t biblically valid. A robot could, for example, go back and time and place a birth announcement into a Hawaiian Newspaper. Hypothetically. But such conjecture is surely a part of the politics of the past.”

I am a human being, not a Ceylon, and I am not the Beast foretold in Revelations. Frankly, I would find the whole thing kind of amusing, if my programming allowed me to experience that emotion.”

“But I’m kidding,” the President continued. “Seriously.”

CUPERTINO, CA—Most industry analyst concur that the introduction of the much-anticiapted Apple table this Wednesday will in all likelihood trigger the rapture and the return of Jesus Christ to Earth.

“A 10 inch color touch-screen mobile device was foretold in the book of revelations,” said Fiona Barkbiter, a biblical scholar at the Inbred Institute for Bible Immersion. “It signals the beginning of the tribulation, a time period in which media convergence, broadband penetration and demonic influences transform the computing experience”

The ‘coolness factor’ combined with the hovering, glowing form of Jesus calling the faithful into the sky with their shining i-tablets under their arms, will create a spike in sales unheard of since the introduction of the original color imac in the 90s, said one Apple insider on condition of publicity.

The tablet will ship with a padded, apple branded genuflection pad, which will allow the elderly or infirm to prostate themselves before it, free voice-to-sms-prayer software, and a ‘Beast-Locator’ application. An Audible / Amazon Bundle including both text and narrated versions of the ‘Left Behind’ series of books and diatribes will also be included with the device.

Most importantly, however the tablet will permit opening and editing MS office documents, and it will have full flash support.

BOULDER, CO—Jeremy Epstein a prominent Boulder area small business person, recently fled the scene of a minor accident and avoided talking to the police for over twenty four hours, causing not a single moment of concern or interest in anyone on the face of the planet earth. Disinterested eye-witnessess recall a woman, not Epstein’s wife, in the passenger seat of the car as he drove slowly from the crime scene, in which a city mailbox was dented.

When asked about the incident, local law-enforcement officials remained completely silent, and when pressed for an explanation of the lack of police interest, the following statement was issued:

“This Epstein Guy is like, nobody special. We are billing him for the mailbox. He has no history of drunk or reckless driving. In fact, he has no history of any sort at all. He is a completely faceless non-entitiy. We’re not sure who was in the car with him at the time of the accident, nor do we, or should anyone else, care.”

Epstein’s infraction, similar to perhaps a half-billion like it in the last ten years, is part of a disturbing trend, in which minor dust-ups and embarrassments comitted by ordinary citizens are passed over by major news outlets in favor of the pecadillos of the rich and famous, as well as in some cases actual news stories.

Sociologist Margaret Archer, Ph.D, in her recent book, “Insufficiently Persecuted,” laid out her case for a more thorough public airing of grievances for both the famous, and the not-so famous.

“We may not all be as talented as a Tiger Woods, as powerful as Dick Cheney, or as beloved as former president Clinton, but we can all have car accidents, accidentally shoot our friends, or ejaculate on interns. In a just society each and every asinine incident would receive equal media exposure.”

Ms. Archer calls for the creation of a National Public Humiliation Database, which all Americans would be required to check on a daily basis. “I can’t think of a better use for tax stimulus dollars. Every American is entitled to be harassed, hounded, and exposed before his or her peers.”

When asked to comment on the situation, a disinterested Epstein shrugged and puffed out his cheeks.

“Leave me alone,” he said. “Nobody cares.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA— The employee-owners of the Harvest Food Co-op come from many different communities, many different walks of life. White and African American, Asian and Latino. Gay and Straight. Professional and working class.

They can now count a former US president among their number.

Early by ten minutes for the interview, I watched as Bush carefully chopped and wrapped blocks of bulk tofu.”I put in my 10 hours a week, which increases my discount from 1% to 5% on everything they sell here,” says a relaxed George Walker Bush, former US president. “Over a year, that can add up. Especially if you’re trying to eat organic.”

“Don’t ever write that I don’t know how hard it can be, to put food on your family.”

Taking his break at the Clear Conscience Cafe, the Co-op’s eco-conscious eatery, Dubya sipped a mocha latte with soymilk. “Took me over fifty years to realize that dairy gave me gas. Not that I didn’t enjoy blasting Cheney now and then.” He shook his head, and laughed in a way not unlike the parody performed by Will Farrel. “Good times.”

How does he respond, when the overwhelmingly liberal shoppers and staff of the Coop give him a hard time?

“Hey,” I tell them, “Have you ever fucked up at a job? Huh? Have you, Nguyen? For Christ’s sake, I wanted to be baseball commissioner. Fucking Cheney came around and told me the country needed me. Blah, blah, blah. Next thing I know I’m staring into Putin’s eyes and wondering what the in the name of holy shit I’m gonna say next.”

A more somber Bush picked at his green goddess salad. “You know, I really do kick ass at a barbecue. That’s why I almost beat that Gore douche-bag, first time around. Damn that guy was a stiff. We probably should have let poindexter have it, of course, the way it all turned out.” Bush paused to high-five an employe pushing a mop and bucket. “Up high, Tchi!xo. Don’t leave me hanging!”

Smiling again, Bush continued. “What are you going to do? Still, I do like a good barbacue”

Asked point blank why he’s working at the Co-op, living at the Central Square YMCA down the street, his face takes on that familar look of dead-pan resolve.

“After Laura gave me the boot, I hit the bottle for awhile. It was bad. Real bad. I needed a change of pace. I wanted to go somewhere I would be no big deal. Then it hit me. The People’s Republic of Cambridge. They let the gays get married there. I figured they couldn’t turn me away.”

“I had to get away from all those assholes talking about politics all the damn time. Politics never interested me, to tell you the truth.” He paused to wipe a few a fleck of avocado from the corner of his mouth. “You wanna talk baseball?”

NEW YORK— Increases in the consumption of several categories of non-durable goods during the last quarter have sparked hope amongst economists that the sluggish US economy may be on the rebound. Plastic dog feces, Offensive Greeting Cards, and penis-related merchandise top the list of ‘useless crap’ commodities trending upwards in the last three months.

“One of the best measures of consumer confidence is how much money is spent on useless bullshit that no one on earth could possibly need,” said  Peter Dreher of the Conference Board.

“Toilet mugs, Big momma undies, stuffed animals with giant genitals, obscenely dancing Santa Clause figurines—these things make up what we call the  ’Spencer’s Index ‘ The Spencer index has tracked every major economic recovery since the invention of the joy buzzer in 1928.”

“American’s have always led the world in consumption of useless crap,” Dreher continued, “and in the 21st century we are leaders in the production of useless digital crap. If we combine the figures for material useless crap, with digital bullshit, such as the iphone ifart application, Windows Vista, and Facebook Tchotchke games, our economic future looks even better.

“I have no doubt the economy is on the road to recovery. And that that road goes up a gigantic stinking mountain of moronic, useless garbage.”

LONDON—The Nobel Committee gave the prize to President Obama less than a year after his election “for his extraordinary dissimilarity to former us “president” G.W. Bush.”

The Nobel Committee went on to state, “Obama’s name is in no way related to foliage. He is at least 50% not the same race as America’s former special-needs dictator. He’s genuinely affable. In his many speeches to date he has not accused any other nation of being in league with any type of Dark Lord, or forced his staffers to make up terrifying stories at the United Nations. His daughters have not as of yet engaged in drunken antics. His wife has never run anyone over with a car. His family has no history of profitteering from trade with Nazi Germany.”

The award came as a huge surprise to those unaware that G.W. Bush was no longer president, and to those perched on rooftops awaiting the rapture. Anti-peace scholars at The American Enterprise Institute were highly critical of a standing US President receiving a so-called “peace prize.”

“How will we maintain the credible threat of unilateral wars based on faulty intelligence?” asked a visibily agitated John Bolton, former US ambassador’ to the so-called ‘United Nations. “Sure, peace is a fine thing—in principle. But in the real world, War is far more practical, and less of a pain in the ass.”

In a rare addendum, the Nobel Comittee appended a coupon good for two additional Nobel prizes, in the color of Obama’s choice, if any of his administrations actions leads to a peaceful outcome anywhere in the world.

One Nobel official hastened to add that this coupon was not ironic. “Really, just not being Bush is enough for this one.”

WASHINGTON DC, Aug 13, 3:42 PM EDT (AP) — Citing the popularity and effectiveness of its ‘Cash for Clunkers’ program, President Obama today announced the ‘Cash for Sex’ Program, aimed at the nation’s inattentive wives, girlfriends, partygoers, and inadequate men.

“We know that the lost libido in many women involved in long term relationships has reached epidemic proportions, with 30-40% of women in their 40s reporting a lack of interest in sex. Romantic dinners and getaway weekends can only go so far in dealing with this problem, which some experts suggest may be behind many of our nation’s worst toupees, gas-guzzling muscle cars, and internet congestion.”

The president went on to describe a program where-in women could securely upload photos and videos of themselves having sex with husbands, boyfriends, or any other living human male. Each sex act would be reimbursed for up to $100.00 US, depending on the ‘wackablity’ of the photos and videos generated. Men would receive subsidized viagra prescriptions, and would have to participate in a national Registry for Sexual Inadequacy available to single women in the US and Canada.

Male spokespersons immediately lauded the plan in press-releases which threatened to overwhelm the White Houses mail servers–many from those who had previously scorned the perhaps-Keynan-born Obama.

“I have to say I’m flabbergasted. This is a truly great plan. I no longer care where Saddam Obama was born, or the color of his skin. For the duration of this plan I will again be proud to call myself American.”

The nation’s wives and girlfriends gave the plan mixed reviews. “There’s no Cash-for-putting-up-with-this-emotionally-unvailable-lazy-bastard-plan,” is there? commented Lavern Jackson, account rep for a Los Angeles based ad agency. Other wives noted that the plan wasn’t retroactive. “Why have I been having sex for years for free?” asked Kathy Horrouitz of Buffalo, NY. “Seriously. I feel fiscally violated.”

Congressional conservatives are also critics of the proposal. “How are we going to pay for this? The money won’t be coming out of the ‘needless-wars-of-choice-to-enrich-our-cronies’ appropriation, that’s for sure. Neither will our side of the aisle sacrifice a cent from our ‘Mulah for Millionaires’ program.” Senate democrats countered that increased funding for money-printing apparatus would be more than adequate to offset the program’s staggering projected cost.

In an informal poll conducted in a DC bus-station restroomon, congressional interns, pages, aministrative assistants, and delivery people were universally for the plan. Many reported the plan as designed would double their incomes. One bus-station restroom goer, the director of Northwestern University’s ‘Reaching Athletic Teens’ program wasn’t impressed.

“I am appalled at how this program is detracting from the debate over the president’s birth-certificate and insane rumors about healthcare reform. I have a wife who is more than attentive enough. There’s nothing in this plan for me.”

1 May 2009 — A representative from the World Health Organization today related the agency’s dissatification with the level of public anxiety over swine flu, and the diminishing number of color-coded alert levels left to combat the public’s lack of concern with something they have been told they can do virtually nothing about.

“We need to get out the two messages that the world faces an unprecedented health threat which could result in Biblical-strength death and suffering, bodies stacked like cordwood, limed trenches, road warrior style disintegration of civilization resulting in the universal wearing of bondage leather fetish garb—and, that our only weapon against the disease is hand washing.

“And we need to get these two messages out without causing a panic. Although, frankly, we’d like a little more panic than we’re seeing now.”

The WHOs sole remaining color-coded alert level is, “PANIC.”

“We’re having hard time figuring out how to raise the alert level without causing a panic, ” worried one official. “In retrospect we needed a lot more levels, but the graphic designer we were working with insisted that this color palette was working, and that adding another color would have looked stupid.”

The organization is considering inserting a number of additional threat levels between the current level, (Orange, Panic Ready) and the highest level. (Panic.)

“We know that this sounds like that scene of Spinal Tap where Nigel says, ‘But this one goes to eleven.’” said one representative under condition of anonymity.

A reprentative of the 80% of humanity who is refusing to get worked up until the illness has killed as many people as Sport Fishing went on record as saying, “I’ll be sure to use a condom next time I make love to a pig. Stop bothering me about this. I have other things to worry about.”