BOULDER, CO—Jeremy Epstein a prominent Boulder area small business person, recently fled the scene of a minor accident and avoided talking to the police for over twenty four hours, causing not a single moment of concern or interest in anyone on the face of the planet earth. Disinterested eye-witnessess recall a woman, not Epstein’s wife, in the passenger seat of the car as he drove slowly from the crime scene, in which a city mailbox was dented.

When asked about the incident, local law-enforcement officials remained completely silent, and when pressed for an explanation of the lack of police interest, the following statement was issued:

“This Epstein Guy is like, nobody special. We are billing him for the mailbox. He has no history of drunk or reckless driving. In fact, he has no history of any sort at all. He is a completely faceless non-entitiy. We’re not sure who was in the car with him at the time of the accident, nor do we, or should anyone else, care.”

Epstein’s infraction, similar to perhaps a half-billion like it in the last ten years, is part of a disturbing trend, in which minor dust-ups and embarrassments comitted by ordinary citizens are passed over by major news outlets in favor of the pecadillos of the rich and famous, as well as in some cases actual news stories.

Sociologist Margaret Archer, Ph.D, in her recent book, “Insufficiently Persecuted,” laid out her case for a more thorough public airing of grievances for both the famous, and the not-so famous.

“We may not all be as talented as a Tiger Woods, as powerful as Dick Cheney, or as beloved as former president Clinton, but we can all have car accidents, accidentally shoot our friends, or ejaculate on interns. In a just society each and every asinine incident would receive equal media exposure.”

Ms. Archer calls for the creation of a National Public Humiliation Database, which all Americans would be required to check on a daily basis. “I can’t think of a better use for tax stimulus dollars. Every American is entitled to be harassed, hounded, and exposed before his or her peers.”

When asked to comment on the situation, a disinterested Epstein shrugged and puffed out his cheeks.

“Leave me alone,” he said. “Nobody cares.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA— The employee-owners of the Harvest Food Co-op come from many different communities, many different walks of life. White and African American, Asian and Latino. Gay and Straight. Professional and working class.

They can now count a former US president among their number.

Early by ten minutes for the interview, I watched as Bush carefully chopped and wrapped blocks of bulk tofu.”I put in my 10 hours a week, which increases my discount from 1% to 5% on everything they sell here,” says a relaxed George Walker Bush, former US president. “Over a year, that can add up. Especially if you’re trying to eat organic.”

“Don’t ever write that I don’t know how hard it can be, to put food on your family.”

Taking his break at the Clear Conscience Cafe, the Co-op’s eco-conscious eatery, Dubya sipped a mocha latte with soymilk. “Took me over fifty years to realize that dairy gave me gas. Not that I didn’t enjoy blasting Cheney now and then.” He shook his head, and laughed in a way not unlike the parody performed by Will Farrel. “Good times.”

How does he respond, when the overwhelmingly liberal shoppers and staff of the Coop give him a hard time?

“Hey,” I tell them, “Have you ever fucked up at a job? Huh? Have you, Nguyen? For Christ’s sake, I wanted to be baseball commissioner. Fucking Cheney came around and told me the country needed me. Blah, blah, blah. Next thing I know I’m staring into Putin’s eyes and wondering what the in the name of holy shit I’m gonna say next.”

A more somber Bush picked at his green goddess salad. “You know, I really do kick ass at a barbecue. That’s why I almost beat that Gore douche-bag, first time around. Damn that guy was a stiff. We probably should have let poindexter have it, of course, the way it all turned out.” Bush paused to high-five an employe pushing a mop and bucket. “Up high, Tchi!xo. Don’t leave me hanging!”

Smiling again, Bush continued. “What are you going to do? Still, I do like a good barbacue”

Asked point blank why he’s working at the Co-op, living at the Central Square YMCA down the street, his face takes on that familar look of dead-pan resolve.

“After Laura gave me the boot, I hit the bottle for awhile. It was bad. Real bad. I needed a change of pace. I wanted to go somewhere I would be no big deal. Then it hit me. The People’s Republic of Cambridge. They let the gays get married there. I figured they couldn’t turn me away.”

“I had to get away from all those assholes talking about politics all the damn time. Politics never interested me, to tell you the truth.” He paused to wipe a few a fleck of avocado from the corner of his mouth. “You wanna talk baseball?”

HOLLYWOOD—A celebrity you’ve never heard today did something that nobody on earth should give a flying fuck about. The celebrity may or may not have been intoxicated, having sex, operating a motor vehicle, or all of the above simultaneously. They may or may not have been wearing underwear, punching paparazzi, falling off motorcycles, setting themselves on fire, or sexually assaulting their own children.

Family members of the celebrity may or may not have been available for comment, and other celebrities you have never heard of who somehow seem even less significant than the celebrity in question may sound off about the absurdly unimportant acts that the original celebrity is alleged to have committed.

Friends and family of the celebrity may or may not defend or excuse the celebrities behavior by pointing out that the celebrity has been under a lot of stress, has a history of substance abuse, was molested as a chid, or didn’t really mean whatever it is the celebrity is reported to have said or done.

Video of the unimportant, stupid, boorish, mocking, racist or insulting behavior may or may  not have been posted to YouTube, tweeted, slash-dotted, farked, facebooked, myspaced, friendstered, emailed or infomercialed. District attorneys may or may not have appeared at press conferences to discuss this mindless waste of time with dozens of so-called journalists.

Scrolling newsfeeds summarizing this pathetic escapade into a pithy play-on-words may or may not be scrolling on every news program on the planet.

Self-serving apologies by public relations experts employed by the forgettable celebrity may or may not have been met with stinging rebukes by the faceless non-entities injured, insulted, annoyed or maimed during the totally un-newsworth peccadillo in question.

Specialists in whatever it is the celebrity was involved with indicate that the farcical non-event may or rmay not be important in a broader social context, and suggest that there may be more to uncover in the future about this complete and total waste of everyone’s time.