CUPERTINO, CA.—Apple CEO Steve Jobs stunned the computing world today when instead of announcing a new tablet based computer, he instead touted ‘ishrink,’ an application which he used on stage to reduce himself 50% in size. Clutching a relatively enormous iPhone, Jobs explained that in most workplaces, half-sized humans would be an economical, not to mention an ecological, revolution.

“I no longer need a bigger screen,” Jobs went on. “This goddamned thing is fucking huge to me now.”